It’s true.
I think I’m pretty. Sometimes, even a knock-out.
But I don’t much like the way I look.
Some of y’all might’ve just groaned and rolled your eyes so far back into your heads you’re seeing your own brains at that declaration. But that’s just it. I DO think I’m pretty. I get all dressed up and do my hair and makeup and I think “Wow! I look amazing right now!”
And then I see a picture of myself and I’m all “WHOA. That is NOT how I look in my own head! Or in my own eyes!”
I had a couple of days last week where I felt like I looked slimmer, better, healthier. I had people say “Wow, you’re looking great.” But I think they were just doing that thing where people say you’re looking better because they know you’ve been to the gym and they are trying to be reassuring but nothing’s really changed about you at all.
I find that I don’t want to look at pictures of myself from Joshua’s party on Saturday because I don’t like how I look. I look…large. Unshapely. Blobbish, at best.
I look at this (blurry, oddly cropped, cell phone) photo and I don’t see a happy mom and her son who is enjoying being read to.
I see giant thighs. Upper arms that are perhaps stretching some shirts to their limits. I see a mom trying to hide her mid-section with a book and a child. I see me but not the me I want to see.
I want to see the pretty me that I know is somewhere inside the blob me. But in order to see that girl, I have to stop lying to myself.
I’m trying really hard to focus on how my clothes fit (they don’t) and forget the fact that in the above photo I’m rocking a pair of maternity shorts because the idea of anything with a definite waistband makes me want to cry. I lie to myself by saying I’m wearing them because they’re clean. I’m wearing them because they fit and my other pair of shorts that are identical to those only WITH a waistband don’t.
I’m trying really, really hard to make it to the gym three times a week. And life and my schedule keep getting in the way of me doing that. I’m lying when I tell myself that life and scheduling are in the way. The gym is open 24 hours a day. If I wanted to go three times a week, I could.
I’m trying really hard not to pay attention to the scale. The scale which FINALLY moved 2 lbs this week. Downward. Finally.
And as much as I don’t want this whole McFatty Ride I’m on to be about weight, I know it is. Part of it has to be. Because the weight I see on the scale is higher than I want it to be and isn’t a healthy weight for me, no matter how much I tell myself that the cardio I’m doing is improving my heart health.
So this morning I logged back into Livestrong.com and started entering my food on MyPlate. I have to do something more than what I’m doing in order to keep myself accountable.
I can’t continue to eat like crap and work out and wonder why nothing good is happening for my body.
Lying to myself about what I’m doing isn’t doing me any favors. Telling myself I’m doing the best that I can do to live a healthier lifestyle when I know I’m not isn’t working well. Or at all. And if I’m going to live a healthier lifestyle and I can’t be honest with myself, this isn’t going to work.
Any words of encouragement for me? I could use them.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel ya’…and I love ya’ more after reading this post. You’re not alone. XO
Thanks, Michelle. Love you.
{{{{{{}}}}}} I feel ya and completely understand. I have days when I look in the mirror and think man I’m looking good. Then I see a picture and then I just feel like a huge ass fatt blob. But, you are doing things that will make it better, baby steps baby steps.. but ya gotta keep them up. MAKE SURE YOU GO TO THE GYM 3 TIMES THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!! And tracking your food is also a very excellent idea. I know that always shocks me.
I’m already trying to figure out how to make three times a week happen in my schedule. I should be able to do it since this week is WAY less busy than last week. I know I just have to keep moving forward. Eventually, things will change.
I agree with Pink Flip Flops, tracking what you eat is huge, especially when you have kids. I know taking a bite of what my little one is eating here and there adds up to a ton of calories that I don’t need. My other downfall is not eating smaller, more regular meals. Coffee is not a meal in the mornings, and every bit of research I’ve read states that protein within an hour of waking up is key to kick starting your metabolism. I need that kick start! At least you’re getting to the gym though-give yourself some credit. And just as we packed on the weight over time means we have to lose it over time. You’re on your way, keep going! You can do it! Like Michelle said, you’re not alone <3
Ugh. I know this feeling. Joshua eats nothing, so I feel compelled to taste everything I’m trying to feed him or finish what he doesn’t eat. Which just means more calories down my throat.
Glad to know I’m not alone.
You are not alone! Good for you for making positive changes & being honest with yourself! One of my main problems is that I let myself make changes to a certain extent and then allow myself to cheat a little bit until I’m back almost to my starting point. I spent a lot of my adult life telling myself I wasn’t “built” to be a certain way until I am finally starting to admit that I didn’t want to make the permanent committment to really change my body. Good luck!!
I’m a bad cheater. BAD. I kept telling myself that once the cupcakes were gone, they were gone. Right now I want some chocolate so bad I could scream.
Way to be honest with yourself. Getting to the gym is hard but you can do it!
I’m going to work on cutting back portion sizes & not using the excuse of weather for not working out.
I feel you with the photo. I thought I was “lookin’ good” Saturday before hubby & I went to dinner. Even took a photo with my camera & posted it on twitter. Later I looked at it and was like huge cheeks, tired eyes, but gave myself the cute hair.
Portions are a big problem for me. I love food. Everything about it. I just have to love it in smaller quantities.
ummm….get outta ma head! I was feeling great last week. I had lost 2″ on my waist in a month & thought I looked fab! THEN I saw pics from a baby shower I hosted the week before. Barf. I either have a skinny mirror at my house (you know the difference between skinny & fat mirrors!) or I have reverse body dismorphia where I see myself hotter than I am. So off to the gym I go! Thank you for helping me feel not so alone.
P.S, you ARE smokin hot!
Margaret (@goodbadfamily)
Hmmm, reverse body dismorphia…
My money’s on the fact that I have a skinny mirror in my house.
And thanks for the compliment. I was feeling pretty good on Saturday until I saw the pictures!
First of all, the way you are sitting plus the angle from the camera would be unflattering to anybody. Secondly, I know exactly what you mean about feeling pretty, but then looking at a photo of myself that says otherwise. And finally, I think you should join Weight Watchers. I’ve already lost 19 lbs and dropped 2 sizes. You’ve done it before, right? And you know it works, right? So if you’re going to go through the trouble of tracking points, then you might as well do it the proven way. Plus, the accountability of weighing in each week works wonders. I tried Livestrong for a while and it didn’t make a difference. Okay, I’ll stop peer pressuring you now. By the way, I have plenty of pictures of you from his party and you looked great!
The thing holding me back from WW right now is the money and the time. I can barely fit three gym sessions in a week without feeling horrible for leaving Joshua in daycare for so long each day. And then by the time I come home and we fix dinner, there’s just so little time for me to go to regular meetings.
I feel kind of stuck in that regard.
And I might need to see these pictures for proof that I didn’t look like a balloon on Saturday.
I think the first step is acknowledging everything you just did. I agree, the accountability for what I eat is really number one for me…and when I find myself eating something I shouldn’t, or not going to the gym I make excuses. Then I get mad at myself. I so feel where you’re at right now, I’ve been there.
You’re on the right track! Keep it up!!!
That’s what I do. I almost made an excuse not to go today because I was in a meeting after school that ran later than I thought it would. But I didn’t skip. I went and just did 20 minutes, which I figure is better than nothing.
I feel the same way a lot of the time. The me in my head doesn’t match the me in photos, like, ever. Which is annoying because I’ve stopped taking photos. My poor kid is going to think I didn’t like him as a baby, because there are almost no photos of us together. (Ahh, the joy of digital where I can delete on a whim.)
I finally buckled down and did the diet thing–calorie counting, measuring, diligently making better choices. It took me 3 months, but I lost 18 pounds doing JUST that. I’m no where near done, but I swear, if I can do it–you TOTALLY can too.
Yeah, I’m there. I don’t want to take pictures unless the person behind the camera is trained to hide my fat spots. Snapshots just make me want to scream or eat ice cream or something.
I’ve just got to be diligent. I’ve got to live on purpose.
Baby steps, my dear. You don’t HAVE to be at the gym every day. You probably can do a ton around the house. Or just take a breath when you get home and head out with J and go for a walk. It’s just about getting out there and doing something. And with time the routine will come. You can’t force it and you can’t beat yourself up about it. You are beautiful–and you know it!
I’ve got to find a jogging stroller for pushing J around the neighborhood so I don’t wreck my Maclaren. Then I’m totally game for going for walks in the afternoons as long as the weather holds up.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
I like to call it “Fatorexia” & I’ve been meaning to write about it. sigh.
Fatorexia. I definitely think I have a nasty case of that right now.
The days I spend lamenting that my mind is so filled with promise while my body lags in the okay it just makes it category …. why do we do this to ourselves, when clearly our writing shows us how superfab we are
We ARE superfab. But sometimes? I want to LOOK superfab when I see a picture of myself. I want to SEE the superfab that I know is inside of me.
so i am bawling. this is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I feel UGLY. I look at pictures of myself and I want to crawl in a hole. That is NOT what I think I look like. But there it is. I have what BA said…Fatorexia.
sigh.
I think you’re beautiful. Body and soul. For whatever that’s worth.
Following from McFatty Monday
omg, this is totally me, same exact thing, I think I am HAWT, and then pictures show me a FAT GIRL
, what did it for me was my sister’s wedding, I was matron of honor (how old did “matron” make me feel?) and all of her 20-something friends are tiny and athletic and looked fabulous in their bridesmaid dresses, I, Iooked like a sausage crammed in a too tight casing, the pictures HORRIFIED ME. So I quickly bought Bethenny’s book “Naturally Thin” which 2 chapters in already has me changing the way I think about food, and I’m doing c25k, it’s 20-30 minutes, 3x a day, and you don’t have to go to the gym, run around your neighborhood, perfect to eliminate excuses, at least for me.
oops, 3x a *week*
You are fat and ugly.
I wouldn’t fuck with with my dogs dick.
Hope that helps.
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