That’ll teach me

by Miranda on April 25, 2012

Alright, Monday, I came up in here and bragged about how successful my Saturday alone with both kids was and how we’re settling so nicely into this family of four business and sunshine farts with rainbow sprinkles came flying out of my ass.

Despite the fact that we were dealing with the stomach flu from Hell in Joshua’s intestines, Monday was actually good. Dan and Joshua rocked the afternoon while I took Emma to her two-week check-up.

(21 inches. 8.4 pounds. “Growing” and “Perfect” and “Beautiful” according to the NP, which, duh. Of course she is.)

And then Monday night happened. Which was proof enough that The Universe? Does not so much appreciate a bragging bragger.

Monday night Emma decided to nurse from 2:30 to 4:30. Joshua was up for the day at 6:00. Dan went to work. It was just a really tired me and the kids until he got home.

I thought I’d lose my mind that morning because Emma turned into a Drama Queen with a raging case of DontPutMeDown Disease and Joshua just doesn’t understand this. I probably heard “You go put baby sister in da bed, Mama!” half a dozen times.

And believe me, I wanted to put her in the bed.

I wanted her to nap somewhere not on me.

I wanted to be able to put my boob back in my shirt so I could stop accidentally flashing the lawn crew outside my windows mowing the grass.

She just wasn’t having it. And Joshua was so whiny.

I mean, the poor kid hadn’t really eaten anything aside from crackers in several days and his little bootycakes were so raw from the upset stomach we damn near needed a Xanax (for all parties involved) to change his diapers. Plus, he’d been cooped up in the house since Saturday because the water butt was so bad that all the diaper changes were starting to end in a shower.

(And thank the baby and standard sized Jesus for the giant shower in our master bathroom. Yesterday, I put Emma’s tub on the shower seat and laid a fully-clothed, fully-swaddled infant in there so that I could shower whilst also hosing down the toddler’s butt. It was…interesting. And laughable, I’m sure.)

We made it through yesterday. And last night.

And then this morning happened and Emma would.not.stop.screaming and I grew a crazy hair and decided that since Joshua had finally (FINALLY) had a solid poop, we were going to Target.

So we did.

She stopped crying in the car and I thought “Oh, Happy Day!” I put her in the Moby once we got to the store and we had a pleasant trip. Until that store didn’t have what I was looking for (the Snuggabunny Rock n Play, which I am assured by all of Twitter and half of Facebook may be laced with Baby Crack that will make her want to chill there long enough for em to eat a bowl of cereal or pee).

But look! The little scanny thing on my Target iPhone app says the store down the street has this in stock! And look! It’s only 11:30! We can make it to the other store and still make it home before nap time!

(In case you were wondering? That was the 3938402th bad idea I’ve had in my life.)

Emma woke up about three minutes away from the second Target store. And she was not happy. So she started screaming.

The Moby couldn’t soothe her. I tried to nurse her while walking around Target and she nearly flashed my boobs to random passersby. Joshua decided to whack me with a potty seat insert and then have a meltdown in the baby section. Which caused me to lose my freaking mind and become THAT MOM who seems to be unable to control her children in public and why, oh why, does she have her kids in public if they’re just going to screamscreamscream doesn’t she know that there are people shopping this morning and workers working and none of them want to hear her kids screaming?

They both cried the whole way home and I screamed a primal “AAAHHHH!HH!H!H!H!H” in the driver’s seat prompting Joshua to go “No, you don’ screaming, Mama!”

As I was putting him down for a nap, Joshua looked at me and said “Mama went crazy!”


Yep. I sure did, little dude. I sure did.

After some chocolate, and naps for everybody, we’re better over here. But I’ll not be bragging about this whole mother-of-two thing again any time soon.

Lesson learned, Universe. Lesson learned.


The Mom Pledge, a community dedicated to ending cyber-bullying among moms, is currently running a series called “Giving Birth: A Defining Moment.” I’m proud to have been a part of this series and I’m sharing my birth experiences today. I hope you’ll visit and read not only my experiences, but the experiences being shared by the other women in the series.

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