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Days like these

by Miranda on July 15, 2012

Today was hard. Today I was not a shining example of how to win at motherhood. In fact, if this was a game, I lost miserably. And days like these are happening more often than not now that Joshua has decided he’s not napping anymore.

This not napping? It will be the death of whatever happens to be left of my sanity. Promise.

Today Joshua was very…three. We ran errands this morning and I should’ve seen it coming. I should’ve seen the change in my mood looming on the horizon.

I should know by now how to keep myself from melting down.

When he acted up in the store, I should’ve just come home, not because I’d issued an ultimatum but because I should know better.

I picked up lunch and we came home and he was eating. Slowly. So slowly. Because he knew that after he finished eating, it would be quiet time.

(If Joshua’s not going to nap, I still want him to have quiet time in the middle of the day. Just a small break. And that break is for me as much as it is for him. It’s my moment to have only one kid touching me instead of both kids. Maybe even none kids if the Universe is smiling down on me. It’s my moment to not be listening to Angry Birds or Super Why or the orders of my Tiny Terrorist telling me what to do.)

But he hates quiet time and sleeping and anything that is what I want him to do that he does not want to do. So a battle of wills ensues every day. A battle in which I, the mother, must be victorious for no other reason than because I say so and because I feel like I will lose my mind if I lose this battle.

And when the (un)quiet time was over, he came into the living room to sit by me on the couch and I–I didn’t want him to touch me. I just wanted him to be somewhere else.

I was so very mad at him for not just cooperating and laying down that I didn’t even want him to be near me. What kind of mother AM I?

A horrible one, I think.

One who does not deserve the love that her children give her.

I’m not proud of myself.

I used harsh words.

My hands weren’t gentle.

I made my son cry.

I hate(d) myself today.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Dawana July 15, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Hey! Don’t be down on yourself. And I know, friend, that this is easier said than done. But been there, done that. Both as a stay at home mom AND as a working mom. This shiz is hard work, yo. And sometimes, I don’t want Pea to be near me either cause she didn’t follow a direction (which I believed was SO simple & why the heck can’t she follow it?!?!). I’d like her to go away and play somewhere else, but these moments are fleeting and me doing some Mommy pouting cause I didn’t get what I wanted from my 3 year old. We love our kids, YOU love your kids. This? Is not worth beating yourself up over. And these days? Now that you’re home, may happen more often than you’d like. Drink a beverage, give yourself a lil space from Joshua & love on him when you feel better. :)

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2 Tracy @ The UnCoordinated Mommy July 15, 2012 at 11:16 pm

You Are Not Alone……. Mine is younger than yours but our recent issues have been due to Noah dropping his morning nap. They are cranky and we are cranky, and cranky mommies and toddlers are explosive combinations. And being constantly needed is exhausting!!! I have felt like such a failure recently. But I have to say I blogged about it recently (not yet posted) and I felt better afterwards, hope you feel better now too! Come to think of it, escaping for a few hours last week for a much needed pedicure and uninterrupted craft shopping might have more to do with it. Give yourself a break, both literally and figuratively. :)

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3 molly July 16, 2012 at 9:14 am

I’m sorry, Miranda. You are not a horrible mama. You were just stressed and needed some me time but couldn’t get it. That doesn’t make you a bad person, okay? We all have really bad days.

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4 The Many Thoughts of a Reader July 16, 2012 at 11:20 am

(((()))) It happens.

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5 Teresa July 16, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I have a 3 year old girl. She wants to be touching me at all times, sitting on my (pregnant) lap, hugging my leg, rubbing my arm, squeezing my neck, etc. I love her and I feel guilty when I push her away, but for the love of God, I need my space! Don’t feel bad or guilty for not wanting your son near you. We all know you love him very much, but you are human and need alone time, just like everybody else. And you are entitled to it.

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6 Carrie July 16, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I so, so, *SO* hear you on this and been there, done that – more than once. We deal with non-napping as well, and my son gets super clingy and whiny and I just want to EXPLODE when he can’t keep his hands to himself or handle quiet time in his room alone for any amount of time without nearly having an anxiety attack because he hates being put in his room and is terrified of sleep and I am just positive this is all my fault.

Sorry about the run-on sentence. Just wanted to say I can relate and then I got all stabby with my keyboard just thinking about it.

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7 Jess July 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

HUGE hugs. For so long after Allie was born, I was ashamed and sad that the last thing I wanted was for Ava to be hugging all over me and touching. I’m not sure why, and I don’t know how I let those feelings consume me. But they did. And sometimes you can’t help it. It hurts. And the guilt from them is powerful. They are so sweet and innocent and it’s so easy to be overwhelmed with thoughts that YOU are responsible for turning their world upside down by adding this new person to what was the idea of a perfect little life for them, all they ever knew.

I have no words of wisdom only that I’ve been there. And HUGS.

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8 Julia July 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

Miranda. I am so mad at you! Stop it! Mommy’s are human! Please
Don’t have such unrealistic expectations. If you can look in the
Mirror every evening and say that you love your children and you
Tried your best no one could ever ask or except more from you.
Anyone that has children isnt judging you nd those who don’t have
Children have all the answers anyway! Go hug your babies, take
A deep breath and get ready to do it all over again. Because its
Never ending. And know that I (and every one else) has your back!

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9 Jenny July 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Huge hugs. I got so touched out with the infant and then the 3 year old wanting all my attention too. This is so normal. You are a wonderful mom. I have been there. My three year old would also test my wills at the moment she knew I was tired.

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10 Jamie July 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

It sucks. I’ve had days like that this summer. Days where when Michael gets home, it’s a hand off to the daddy and me out the door to run… to shop… to sit in my car somewhere and just be in silence…

These are days my girls realize Mommy isn’t perfect – at least Beth does. And Mommy asks for forgiveness, and she doesn’t promise it won’t ever happen again. It’s just life.

It could be worse! ;-)

((hugz))

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11 Katie July 18, 2012 at 9:21 am

dude. my entire therapy session this week was THIS TOPIC. About my skin-crawling around my children and how I need to have them just GO AWAY sometimes.

::hangs head::

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12 Pamela Gold July 18, 2012 at 9:58 am

Being with our kids ALL THE TIME is too much. I admit I’m also guilty of being a bit over the top when I don’t get my way for a change. But then I yell at my husband when he loses his cool with our toddler and I’m all, “Dude, he’s only 3!” So yeah, I’m that mom.

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13 Amie Kazimirowich July 18, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Hi…I have read this post itleast 4 times in the last week….while I don’t have kids I can see this happening. It happens with my fiancee (not even husband) there’s times when I’m so mad at him I don’t want to hear him nevermind have him touch me. That’s his way of looking for love and forgiveness and I’m not even close to being ready to give it to him….and that can last for hours….or more then a day. So I know it will happen with my kids. Now again I don’t have kids so this could be the ” I know all about parenting” talking lol but I do believe children need to know boundaries and understand that when Mommy is angry she needs her space to cool herself down. She still loves you very much but you need to leave Mommy alone for a little while. Not a bad lesson to learn.

I can see how that’s much easier said then done though because I have waves of guilt over my future husband so I can only imagine what it’s like for a child. I think you’re doing a fantastic job, try and give yourself a pat on the back for making it through another day with everyone healthy and alive because here in Canada there’s been a couple of cases of women who have physically hurt their children because they were overwhelmed. In the grande scheme of things I think you’re a super mom!

Amie

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14 Christine July 18, 2012 at 11:11 pm

I feel you x1000000. I quit after my second was born too, he’s 6months, My oldest, Z is 3.5yrs old. I hate telling him to be quiet and play by himself sometimes but I have to, for my sanity. I have been known to play a “game” to see who can be quiet the longest just to give my brain a break from the constant chatter. It’s ok, you aren’t just mommy, you are Miranda, and you need some space, hugs!

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