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The thing about those days

by Miranda on July 19, 2012

So Sunday was one of those days. Wednesday was one of those days. Joshua has stopped napping rather abruptly but still desperately needs to nap based on his behavior and because of this no-more-napping, those days are happening more often than I’d like to admit. Except I just admitted that and admitting that is half the battle, right?

Or something like that.

The thing about those days is that when I’m in the middle of being the kind of Mom I never want to be–the kind of mom who uses a tone so harsh she frightens her child–I know I’m doing it and it’s like I can’t stop myself. Which is where the self-hate comes from.

I’m an adult. I should know better. I should act better.

He’s just a child. He deserves better than that.

But I can’t seem to break myself away from the moment long enough to gather my thoughts and collect myself. There is no escape. There is no getting away from it long enough to cool off. Because Joshua can follow me wherever I go and he does. Into the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen. Whining or crying and being indecisive and more whining.

I yell at him. I show my anger. I see fear in his face. And then I scoop him up and apologize while kissing him and crying, my tears mingling with his, and the whole time I’m wondering how I’m damaging him. What kind of issues he’s going to have some day because mama kept losing her mind.

I don’t want his early memories of me to be these memories.

I don’t want him to know me like this.

Most of all, I just don’t want him to hate me.

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

1 The Many Thoughts of a Reader July 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

((((()))))

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2 Stephanie July 19, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Hang in there! We all go through the same thing! I find my tone being really harsh and my patience running thin on days when Hunter just does not listen to me. It does not make you mean or will not cause him not to like you! ::Hugs::

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3 Natalie @MamaTrack July 19, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I know this feeling. So many of us do. I struggled after the second baby was born a lot. I love her dearly. But it was so hard. I felt distant from my son. And he was acting horribly.

Things got better around 4.5 to 5 months after she was born. I still have moments. But it’s better.

Hang in there.

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4 A Write Relief... July 19, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Oh, Miranda… Thank you so much for posting these thoughts! I can absolutely assure you every mum experiences moments such as these (whether they want to admit them or not). I know exactly what you mean when you say you don’t want your son to know you as this person, or to hate you. It’s the way I feel every time I find myself in this very position, berating myself for being too harsh, too snappy, too angry. But when my little man smiles at me when I walk into a room, or runs to me when I pick him up after work, I know I’m not damaging him. I’m his mum, and just like I love him to bits I know (deep, deep down) that he loves me too. xx

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5 Sarah @ Cole's First Blog July 19, 2012 at 11:07 pm

TODAY was one of those days here; Cole quit napping recently, too, and between that and the heat and the rain that kept us all inside, I just had no patience. I spoke harshly and walked away from him only to hear him throw himself on the floor and wail, “I thought Mommy was my friend!” while sobbing.

Heart breaking.

A little snuggle and all was forgiven, though – and tomorrow is new.

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6 Hannah July 19, 2012 at 11:55 pm

He won’t hate you, he will know that you are human. You’re going through a rough time and transitioning out of naptime is, well, sucky, to say the the least. I always go through the hate myself/guilt cycle when I lose it with my kids, but I always make sure I apologize to them later so they know that I’m human and I mess up sometimes too.

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7 Heather July 20, 2012 at 7:14 am

Yes we all definitely go through this! I make it a point to have my kids in rest time, and try to get them to do it at the same time. It definitely isn’t easy though. My kids are 4 and almost 2. I have everyone in our bedroom, lay down with my 2 year old until he is asleep (i read a book) and then I lay down with my 4 year old until she is asleep (still reading my book). So I typically spend about an hour putting them to sleep :-) I think it is good for me though too, to have a bit of a break in the middle of the day. Then I usually have about an hour of quiet before they get up again. I often will read one of my books to the kids while they are settling in to sleep – typically Jane Austen or CS Lewis Narnia books. Getting past the anger is difficult, and there are days when i am constantly shushing my 4 year old. But, I know they need the rest, and if I am there with them it makes it easier – for all of us :-) Good luck!

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8 Nik July 20, 2012 at 8:21 am

some days you are going to be frustrated, i am too, you just want some quiet and i feel your pain, you dont want to yell or be mean but it is so hard not to express that bubbling anger. I just finished the happiness project and she says “its easy to be heavy,its hard to be light” its easy to be angry, sad but it hard to be happy and joyful. I think we need to physically express our anger but in a lighter way. I think we should express our feelings through finding laughter ( a youtube vid, a book, something), or dancing with our kids, ( i don’t think i have ever smiled as much as when i am dancing with my 2 and 3 yr old). When you cant do those it is also a good idea to try writing your feelings on a piece of paper, reading it out loud to yourself and then shredding it with your hands; this allows you to express and hear your feelings hopefully allowing you to let them go. hope this helps!!! Good luck to us all!

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9 Jess @ MomEinstein July 20, 2012 at 10:53 am

Oh, honey. We all have those days. I think it teaches the kids that their parents are people too, and that sometimes people make mistakes and that’s ok. Because then when you apologize, it’s teaching him that making mistakes is a part of life, but you have to own up to your mistakes and take responsibility. He knows you love him and that’s why he pushes your buttons so much – because he can test your limits. You’re an amazing mom. ((hugs))

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10 Katie July 20, 2012 at 11:33 pm

girl, i just sat through an hour long therapy session over this VERY THING.

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11 Julia July 22, 2012 at 4:40 pm

It is hard. And we do our best. Sometimes it’s good enough and sometimes it falls short…have absolutely been there. Have you considered rest quiet time in his room? Good luck. Don’t feel alone!

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12 Sarah July 24, 2012 at 9:58 am

Hi – I just read your blog for the first time… I’m not a mom yet, but have nannied and taught preschool for 5 years. Everyone has pretty much said what I was going to say to you. What you are going through is normal. Losing your temper is something with which almost every parent (and long term nanny) struggles. The important part is what you do after you lose your temper. Children learn how to live and be from their parents. It is better for your child to see you lose your temper than to think it is normal to hold in feelings. Most importantly, your child has experienced you humbling yourself and asking for forgiveness. There is no better lesson for a child. Those moments when you express to your child how sorry you are that you got so frustrated and angry – those may show your child more love than regular hugs and kisses. Give yourself a break and know that you are a good mom who is doing her best. It is good to be aware of our struggles and to work on improving our short-comings, but remember, as you learn your child learns right along with you. What a gift!

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13 Mungee's Ma August 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I feel like I could have written exactly this :(

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