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Girl (parts) on Fire

by Miranda on October 17, 2012

Sometimes things happen to me and then something like this happens in my head:

“I should blog this.”
“Oh my god, Miranda! No! This is embarrassing! Don’t!”
“No, really, this is too good. I should blog this.”

And on and on until eventually the mood has passed and it’s just no longer relevant. But then this thing happened that is too hilarious, if not awkward, not to share. So what the hell, right? YOLO or something like that.

Fair warning, though, if you’re easily offended by vaginas or talking about vaginas, or if you’re of the opposite sex and have a fondness for vaginas, you might want to go ahead and mark this one as read. Though if you’re in that latter category, perhaps reading this will give you a certain amount of sympathy for the “fairer” sex, so if you’re in need of a dose of that, I invite you to stay.

In case you’re new here, I gave birth six months ago. And what sometimes happens when a human attempts to Houdini its way out of the Magic Box is that the box is left, how shall I say this delicately, torn open from tip to tail. Which is what happened to me.

Third degree tears are no joke, y’all.

But mine healed up nicely, and within about a week after having Emma, things felt as normalish down there as they ever will again.

So color me shocked when I went to the bathroom one day a few weeks back and upon wiping experienced a pain that felt like a million tiny daggers had just been jabbed into my junk. It was, in a word, unpleasant.

It was so unpleasant, in fact, that I did what any self-respecting woman aware of her own anatomy does. I dropped trow, grabbed a mirror, put my leg on the toilet and took a little look-see.

There, dangling from my baby maker, was something I can only describe as what looked to be truck balls. They definitely weren’t there before Emma. And they definitely didn’t belong there. Ever.

I turned to Google. I turned to nurse friends. I turned to more Google. And then I called my doctor.

“Um, hi, I need to see the doctor. I’m having a…um…well…there’s…uh…”

For three weeks, I lived with this extra appendage. I checked periodically to see if my Scar Tissue Issue had magically disappeared so I could save myself the copay and the drive and the mortification, but no. No, I did not have that much good fortune squirreled away in Karma Bank and Trust. So yesterday I loaded up my littlest and made the drive to my OB’s office.

Once I was finally called back and on the table, underwear safely stowed inside my diaper bag–which, why do we do that? We’re about to have a light shined on our lady bits and we’re afraid the doctor will see our underwear??? I’m not alone, right?–anyway, while I waited for the doctor, I imagined all the things that might be going on down there. Again. Just like I’d been doing for three weeks.

Finally, the doctor came in. I told him about my extra pieces and he told me to put my feet into the stirrups.

He declared my Scar Tissue Issue to be a “granulation.” Then he told the nurse to get a tray. She returned with a small vial of something in her hand and I thought, “Oh! Hooray! Vagicaine! NUMB ME UP!!”

And I thought that’s what he did.

Except, no. No, that’s not what happened at all.

I felt a pinch and a burning and sucked in my breath in that way reserved for the sharpest of sharp pains where you physically cannot exhale and every muscle in your body tenses and heard him say “Well, I just got the largest piece of it.”

People.

I did not see any sort of sharp implement for cutting or slicing or clipping.

I think he removed a piece of my vagina with a yank and twist. Which is not at all like a bend and snap.

It was at this point that the nurse reminded me to breathe and started asking questions about Emma, who was chilling in the car seat, chewing on my disgusting keys while my doctor was wrist deep in my business, to distract me.

The doctor went on poking and prodding and saying inane things like “usually sex takes care of these”  and “I need you to be as loose as possible right now.”

To which I replied, in my head, “Doc, it hurts to wipe. What makes you think sex is on my radar?” and to which the nurse replied, out loud, “Doc, you say that like it’s easy to do” and I high-fived her with my mind.

(As a friend pointed out, only a man would say that sex fixes painfully broken vaginas. Menfolk who are reading? Sex does not fix painfully broken vaginas.)

As if all of that wasn’t enough, to take care of any remaining bonus tissue hiding in my nethers, he busted out a bottle of Silver Nitrate and swabbed me up. For good measure.

I’ll say that again in case you didn’t read it the first time: Silver Nitrate. In my vagina.

My girl parts were set on fire yesterday and not in a way that was even sort of good.

He went on to tell me that they’d done a really great job in creating my Frankengina in the hour after Emma’s birth and things looked great everywhere else. (And I do mean everywhere.)

I guess I should’ve known there would maybe be issues down the road when it took three times as long to put me back together as it did to get her out, but whatever. I was all high on endorphins and adrenaline oxytocin and not thinking clearly.

Now can someone please pass me a peri bottle? Or a bottle of sauv blanc?

{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Caitlin MidAtlantic October 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Hahaha! Oh, I’m laughing because I commiserate so much! Not that I’ve had to had things… tucked back up by a doctor or anything… in part because sex, um, really did help? But my goodness I have had my share of awkwardly painful experiences with my feet in those stirrups! Love the nurse’s response!

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2 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

The nurse was awesome. My doctor is, too, really, but the nurse was awesome.

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3 Liz (MyHappyMess) October 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Oooohhhh girl, you deserve an entire bottle of sauvignon blanc! GAH! I was just at my OBGYN yesterday for a rather embarrassing visit myself so I feel your pain. But your experience just sounds…awful. I had a really traumatic vaginal delivery with a few setbacks in my recovery but I think you win for this one. I’ll say again what I’ve said to you many times before: at least Emma is cute! :)

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4 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

If I weren’t breastfeeding? I would have been PLASTERED Tuesday night. My delivery was a breeze compared to this.

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5 the grumblies j October 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

NO HE DID NOT. That’s what the numbing spray is FORRRRRRRRR.

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6 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

You know? I tried using that after Emma was born because, hello, third degree tear. And it burned so bad I had to get in the shower immediately and wash it off. But not before I hopped around the bathroom gingerly trying to figure out WTF I’d just done to myself.

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7 LauraORourke October 17, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Oh my gosh. Oh. My. Gosh. Men. And sex. And vaginas. And babies. They just don’t get it!

I hope you’re feeling better. Things still don’t work quite right for me yet either.

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8 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Yes. They don’t.

And I’m sorry. I hope things work for you again soon.

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9 Lyz October 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

OHMAHGAH you poor lady. He just yanked them? WITHOUT WARNING?! THE HELL?!

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10 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I’m really not sure WHAT he did. He could’ve yanked. He could’ve sliced. Either way, no warning, no numbing, no nonsense. Done.

My vagina was sad.

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11 Eileen October 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Oh you deserve lots of wine. I had a 2 hour repair and when I asked for a stitch count the midwife laughed and said, “You don’t even want to know.” and then had to call in an OB for the last part as not to stitch an important exit (the top one not the butt) only hole closed by accident, since OB’s are trained surgeons. Oh yes that was exactly what they told me (a repair that involved a 3 day catheter to insure the stitches held where they were supposed to be and not scar tissue over their handy work.)

Now that I’ve TMI’d all over your blog comments cheers to a 3 glass night…

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12 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm

ZOMG!

YOU deserve wine. Lots and lots and lots of it.

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13 doni October 17, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Holy Crap Lady — you are a freaking hero. Not only did you go through something that I can only empathize, but you then were able to make me laugh out loud reading it. I really do try not to laugh at other’s misfortunes, but you gave me no choice. Hope that’s the end of your birthing trauma/drama!

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14 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I’m glad people laughed. I laughed too. Even as it was happening. It was too insane NOT to laugh, you know?

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15 Tam October 17, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Since I just DM’ed you my embarrassing story I’ll just say.

Can you imagine if there was something ANYTHING hanging from a man’s ANYTHING and someone RIPPED IT OFF? The world would end. END!

Yes. I hide my underwear. I also turn my son’s stroller around so it’s not facing me. They say 2 years olds have no memory recall… but WHAT IF!?!?

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16 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:24 pm

The world would totally end. And I will forever be grateful that my son wasn’t there. Forever.

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17 Kim October 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I got a little sick reading this,not gonna lie. But only because it took me back to my preggo days and the horror that hemmoroids inflicted upon my body. Needles and scapels were involved, many times. So my heart goes out to you! Oh, and I, too hide the undies — and bra if needed, and they MUST match on that day!

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18 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

True story, hemmies scare me worse than this. Way worse.

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19 TheNextMartha October 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm

So….you’re finding a new Dr right? I mean. He obviously does not get that fire and vagina’s do not mix. Ever.

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20 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Oddly? No. I don’t think I will. Because despite this, I really, really love him.

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21 Chaton October 17, 2012 at 5:18 pm

You have a way with words. I really felt like I was there with you! I think that the physician’s technique could be improved. If that’s the way you do it, you should have had a warning at the least. That sounds BEYOND awful. I can only imagine!

Our children have no idea what we go through to have them. It’s tough, but it’s so worth it!

If you lived in my town, I’d deliver the wine personally and give you a vodka chaser!

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22 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

You’re right. They don’t. So now we have to find ways to make them appreciate all we’ve gone through to get them here without scarring them for life.

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23 Abigail October 17, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Dear sweet lord I basically fainted reading this. This is making rethink my whole getting pregnant decision… except baby is firmly in there so no undo. Ack!

Also, I definitely hide my undies. I have no idea why.

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24 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm

WHY do we hide our undies!?! I just can’t even think of why we do this!

And you will likely be fine and have no issues. Don’t worry!

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25 Ann G-B October 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I am suddenly glad I had a c-section

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26 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I mean, having a c-section with my first didn’t stop me from having issues. I just had them from a different exit. :/

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27 Jill @BabyRabies October 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

DEAD.

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28 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Quick! Someone! CPR!

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29 Leigh Ann October 17, 2012 at 8:10 pm

No experience here, thanks to 2 c-sections, but man my vag hurts now.

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30 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

My c-section with Joshua didn’t stop me from having issues. I just had them from the other exit. :/

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31 Suzanne October 17, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I’m sorry, I cannot comment because all the muscles in my body have clenches SO HARD at the thought of someone ripping anything off my lady business my hands are incapable of typing. I had (er, have) a problem with one of the glads in that general AREA and the time in college where I had to have a minor in-office surgery to fix it I actually lost consciousness. TWICE.

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32 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Hey! I need you to be as loose as you can be! It’s totally easy!

::side-eye:: doctors. Total ::side-eye::.

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33 anna {girl with blog} October 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Oh Miranda… I had granulation tissue too. FOUR silver nitrate treatments later, it was still hanging out, so then I had straight up surgery to remove the rest. After one of those treatments, I stole the tube of numbing gel and took it home.

I feel your pain.

I wrote about it too – called it ‘the hooha saga’. Some thing are just too ridiculous not to post.

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34 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

OH MAH GAH!!!!!!!!!!!

FOUR???

Four times?

No. NO NO NO!

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35 Isha October 17, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I simultaneously laughed and cried for you.

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36 Miranda October 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I simultaneously laughed and cried for me, too.

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37 Hannah October 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I feel so bad for you, but at the same time, I laughed through most of this post. Especially the part where the doctor said sex will fix it. My hubby is under the impression that sex fixes everything too, lol. (Got a hangnail? Have sex! Have a touch of the flu? A round of sex will clear that right up!)
Never had the problem you had, but after giving birth to my first, I had a massive hematoma DOWN THERE along with a ton of stitches. It was so bad that when the nurses came to check on me, they would rear back in horror and take back everything they’d just said about how I needed to get out of bed and walk around. It took me over a month to recover. Let’s just say it sucked. Majorly.

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38 John October 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Yeah — all I got is yeee’owch.

So yeee’owch.

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39 Carrie October 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I totally squinched my vagina shut the whole time I was reading this.

Brutal!

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40 Tracy @ The UnCoordinated Mommy October 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

And THAT is why my OB/GYNs have been and always will be female.

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41 Dawana October 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Girl. Truck balls? Did he even say how that happened? And the yanking and the pulling? Gah! I cringed a bit inside. Have sex to fix that? Right… Yes, honey, please come lay on top of me while I have skin dangling from my vagina and a burning sensation. I bet this will be so intimate and passionate… uh, no. I’m glad he fixed your lady bits. :)

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42 Julia October 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Oh my god I am cringing and laughing and admiring you for sharing your story. Seriously, I love you. I hope everything feels better soon! (And wth doctor? I can’t believe he told you to have sex for that. Men are so clueless.)

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43 Bod for tea October 23, 2012 at 6:25 am

Please don’t every stop blogging about these things!!!! *giggle* You inspired me to write a lady bits post today actually, but not half as funny as yours :D Hope your lady bits feel better soon (can’t believe I just wrote that!!) x

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44 Gin October 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I can’t see a situation where your lady parts being on fire would EVER be good. Kudos to your nurse for explaining things to your Doctor since you were preoccupied with staying conscious. “Sex will fix that.” Bahahahahahahahaha!!!

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45 Kristin @littlemamajama November 3, 2012 at 8:21 pm

This is simultaneously hilarious and OH-MY-GOD-OUCH! And, “sex will fix that”??! REALLY?! bahaha!

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46 raheen December 28, 2012 at 8:46 am

Ur post is hillarious! Im reading ur blog for the first time n love it! Im a very small petite woman.so the birth of my first child teared me up very badly…which took more than a month. to heal. To add to that i had scar tissue and chronic anal fissures which still havent healed fully after 16 months! I have given up all hope n the thought of another pregnancy freaks me out!

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47 Brandy January 3, 2013 at 7:56 pm

2 words… Anal fissure. MOTHER FUCK IT HURT(S) SO BAD (that’s right…it never goes away completely). These kids better be fucking Rhoade scholars.

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