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Starting Over

by Miranda on January 4, 2013

This is no time for catchy titles, guys. Basically, I’m about 30 seconds from a wine-fueled whine where I talk about what a bad mother I was today and y’all feel compelled to 1) be nice and tell me I wasn’t a bad mother, 2) yell at me for being a bad mother, or 3) tell me I wasn’t a bad mother and then go and DM about what a bad mother I was.

Joshua didn’t nap and that ALWAYS sets me up for a bad afternoon. Even though I KNOW it’s going to happen. I cannot stop it.

It’s like I’m tied to a railroad track and I cannot untie myself and here comes the big, scary locomotive full steam ahead ready to run me over and SPLAT. There I am. Mom guts all over the living room screaming at my child while he screams back and then he ends up in time out and he’s beating on a wall and I’m still screaming while angry cleaning and screaming and he’s screaming and the baby is sitting there in the middle like “what in the hell is going on here, you two?”

He hits this overtired wall by about 3 and he’s all piss and vinegar and throwing things and slamming toys and throwing more things and I?

I LOSE MY PROVERBIAL SHIT.

He doesn’t understand that if he’d just taken a nap he wouldn’t feel so horrible and I wouldn’t yell at him. And I don’t seem to be able to stop myself from thinking he should just be able to understand that if he napped he’d feel better. So the cycle continues until neither of us is rational and we’re both insane and my biggest fear is that he’ll grow up with this memory of an angry mother and be afraid of me.

And no, I don’t think having my child be afraid of my anger is a good thing. There’s respect and there’s fear and those two are not the same at all.

Today I was not my best self. And I know that. And no amount of telling me “it’s okay” or “we all have those days” makes it any better.

But tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow I start over.

Tomorrow WE start over.

I’m thankful for that.

emersonquote

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Suzanne January 4, 2013 at 10:39 pm

I need to find that quote in a pretty frame on Etsy RIGHT NOW and hang it in my family room. Scratch that, I need to hang it in EVERY room. And the car. I feel like I do a lot of my screaming in the car.

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2 story January 5, 2013 at 8:20 am

Thanks. I needed this today. Again.

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3 Isha January 5, 2013 at 1:53 pm

You are human. A great one, too. What Joshua will remember is that you were willing to show him that–that you exhibited human characteristics instead of trying to show off some unbelievable notion of perfection. He will remember you hugging him, and loving him, and working through it together. He will remember a fabulous mother. Love you.

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4 Tracy @ The UnCoordinated Mommy January 5, 2013 at 8:37 pm

**Clink** Here’s to tomorrow lady ;)

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5 Sally January 5, 2013 at 11:34 pm

I enjoy your honesty and the fact that you are NORMAL! Most of us have been there…I know I have! Children will test you to your limits and I have decided that us Mamas just need to try to chill and enjoy….wish I could!!!! Just remember, they know you love them.

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6 Bod for tea January 6, 2013 at 7:01 am

I’m with Suzanne, I need to hang that quote EVERYWHERE in the house and look at it at least once every day! You’re not alone Mrs, we’ve all been there. Here’s to tomorrow x

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7 heather January 9, 2013 at 4:05 pm

I am going through the same thing with my 3 year old, by 3pm I feel like running away and want to pull my hair out. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will have less screaming and whining.

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8 Lisa January 9, 2013 at 4:50 pm

I am mostly a lurker, so I guess I should say that this is why lurk (read) on your blog. I love the raw honesty. LOVE. I know I don’t know you, but you make me feel like I’m okay (because I have days like this, too, not because I don’t ;)). I know you feel awful about today, and I do when it happens as well, but it does make me feel a smidgen less like crap to know that I’m not alone.
Thank you, and here is to a better tomorrow (that is one of my favorite quotes, by the way).
~Lisa

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9 Kim January 18, 2013 at 11:29 pm

Ohman, I feel you. I could’ve written this post myself. Nothing brought out the crazy mama like the non-napping crankies. Even though I knew it was wrong. Tomorrow is another day! (and now, I’m more likely to be waking her up so that she’ll go to sleep at a decent hour.)

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